I Understand Now
by Toxic Tears27
Summary: Can Harry fix the biggest mistake he ever made?
1. Chapter 1

1Harry Potter had many titles in his life. The-Boy-Who-Lived. The-Man-Who-Defeated-Voldemort. One Third of the Gryffindor Trio. Currently, the only one that was on his mind was The World's Biggest Idiot.

What _had_ he been thinking when he left his beautiful nightmare for Draco? Draco was pretty, to be sure, but his appeal ended there. After only two weeks, Harry was wondering how in the world he could make his biggest mistake up to the only man he could ever love. He wandered in to his temporary rooms at the Leaky Cauldron, intending to write Severus a letter, when he noticed the bird.

It was a bird Harry had seen many times in his life. It had been the bird to summon him to Occulemency lessons, the bird to remind him of detentions missed, the bird that called him into action during the final battle. Most importantly, it was Severus's bird. As Harry wandered towards it, it stuck out its leg, silently telling Harry to relieve it of the parchment it carried. As soon as Harry untied the note, the bird flew off, indicating no response was anticipated.

Harry sat down on his bed and breathed in deeply. There on the front was "Potter" scrawled in a handwriting all too familiar. Opening the note, Harry began to read.

_I understand now why some find solace in taking a blade to their skin and letting the metallic crimson pour forth. It is not, at is often said, a physical release of a trapped emotion. When have I ever felt the need to release my emotions? No. Do you know why I like cutting? Why I crave the bittersweet sting of cold metal on my flesh? It is because I can cry then without feeling like I am shedding tears over you. I never want to weep because of someone else, especially not you. _

_You really aren't any better than your father, Potter. Never again will you be Harry to me; Harry was that beautifully insecure angel I found asleep outside my chamber door one morning. Harry was the unwilling savior who just wanted to be accepted and loved for more than the scar adorning his forehead. Harry was the gorgeous man who used to tell me he loved me everyday. Tell me, Potter, what the __**fuck**__ did you do with him? _

_I should have known. Really, I bring this upon myself. Had I not been stupid enough to believe that something that perfect could have actually happened to me, then I would not be in this situation currently. As it is, I can only wonder what he possesses that I do not. Of all the people, Potter, did it have to be my godson? You know I could never be mad at him. Merlin knows I could never be angry at you... well you know what, I hope you are happy. Truly. I bask in the arctic warmth of the knowledge that you and Draco will never have what we had. _

_I know you know I am correct. You are my soul mate, there is no denying it. I've heard you say it more than once yourself. Why then? Why did I wake up on morning, not so very long ago, with a sinking feeling in my stomach and a cold finger of dread around my heart as I gazed around our naked quarters? I just don't understand it. _

_Maybe Draco will be able to love you better than I could. Maybe he can hold your hand in public and tell you how much he adores you everyday, but let me get one thing straight. He will never ever love you more than I did. More than I do. It's just not possible. You are my heart and soul. You always will be. _

_You are perfection in my eyes, and I hate you for it._

_Well, Potter, I hope this clears some things up. You'll never see me again, if you even care. I can no longer stand to be in a world where you are visible but not mine. It's no sweet torture any longer. In fact, by this time, Albus should be covering my already cold and empty chest with a sheet._

_I love you, no longer my own._

_-Severus_

Almost the second he saw the signature at the bottom and realized the import of what the letter contained, Harry did the impossible. He apparated directly into the great hall of Hogwarts. He could only hope that it wasn't too late.

-_fin-_


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter 2

Harry ran from the great hall the second his feel touched the ground. He had to find Severus. And Albus. Oh Merlin, he hoped he wasn't too late.

He was torn. Should he retrieve Albus first? His head told him that that would probably be the more sensible thing to do. His heart however had other ideas. Making up his mind, Harry took off towards the dungeons as fast as his feet would carry him.

He got to Severus' chamber door just as he was remembering that he didn't know the new password. There wasn't anyway that severus had kept their password after his impromptu departure, was there?

"Diligo eternus" he whispered, hoping against hope. Nothing happened.

"Diligo eternus!" he said a little louder. Still, nothing happened.

"DILIGO ETERNUS!" Harry practically screamed. The entrance stayed sealed shut. Fuck. Now what?

By this point, Harry was in tears. He was so frustrated; all he wanted was in the door! Was that so much to ask? He started to rant out loud to himself. So out of sorts was he that he didn't even notice when he slipped into parseltongue.

"I just want in that godforsaken door!" The words hissed, catching the attention of a small black snake sitting in the portrait guarding Snape's chambers. Much to Harry's surprise, the door creaked open.

Quickly containing his shock, Harry rushed into the chambers. What he saw nearly made his heart stop.

Severus was lying in a pool of his own blood, slash marks on his wrists. His chest wasn't rising or falling. Ironically enough, his face held the most passive and relaxed look Harry had even seen on the stern Potions Master.

Harry wanting nothing more than to stop thinking at that point in time. Sadly his brain was being mutinous. Severus was dead, and it was all his fault. He had never hated himself as much as he did right now. All of the Professor's harsh words about him being a foolish Gryffindor came rushing back. Suddenly, they were vindicated. His uncle was right as well. He was a freak. What normal sane person could possibly do this to the one person they truly loved? Harry Potter really was a completely worthless waste of matter. Heartbroken, Harry threw himself on Severus' body, shaking with the force of his tears. All he noticed was a strange silver haze and the faint smell of lemon drops in the air before he succumbed to unconsciousness.

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When Harry awoke, he was back in his bed in the hospital wing. He tried to call the Matron to alert her to his semi-conscious state, but his voice stubbornly refused to cooperate. He would have gotten up and walked to her office, were it not for his limbs that were currently acting as though they had been boiled along with the spaghetti. Was there a worse feeling than having limp noodles for arms? Apparently Harry was stuck there for the time being. Sighing, he idly wondered what he had done to land himself in the Hogwarts Infirmary this time.

About 15 minutes later, Poppy Pomfrey appeared at his bedside, followed closely by the Headmaster. She preformed a brief examination, and administered the proper potions.

"Harry dear, how are you feeling? I'm sure that you're a little upset over what happened to Severus, but never you mind. All will right itself eventually."

Harry was baffled. "Why would I care what happened to that slimy git anyway?"

"Harry, I know you two are having your differences right now, but really." Albus admonished.

_Well, I guess he has saved my life in the past._ "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Nothing too horrible happened, I hope?"

"Oh dear. You mean you really don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

"Let me fetch you a calming potion, Harry. After I get done with explaining this, you're going to need it."

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Thats all i have for right now! Please review and tell me what you think. -


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